Monday, September 27th, 2004
|
|
2:47 pm
|
OK... Yeah. Though I suppose anyone who used to read this journal probably doesn't anymore mostly for my lack of posting. But I was reading Artvamp's journal and I stumbled about Tantra on her bio page. And I was like oh that's me. So yeah that fucking infamous last post I made is such a load of crap. Really and truely honest to god. I think about it once in a while and know that I was writing out my ass and didn't believe half of what I was writing. Even at the time. Just spewing out AA bull crap that I was taught to believe.
The Truth...
Erin and I hooked up. Were together for about 2.5 years and just broke up about a week ago. It's a relief to me but she's sad. She beat me.
AA is the biggest crock of shit I have ever experienced and instead of helping me with my problems they just created a sheild for me to hide behind so that I didn't have to work on the real issues and I could hide behind this spiritual program or whatever the fuck I was hiding behind for so goddamn long. Yeah.
I forgot what else I said, but that was probably bullshit too. So I'm glad I'm done and I'm happy to be back in the realm of the living. Drinking too much coffee and wanting more than I can have and enjoying people and reading books entitled "Cunt" and masturbating when I please to the fantasies that I please and not worrying about what is PC or what I feel like I should be doing.
Well... I suppose that's all. I have to go to film class now. Yeeha. Oh and I adore those pictures Rebecca took of me that are posted here. Even love that my boobies are in them. If I knew a photographer I'd even ask them to take more nude pictures of me cause I think it's fucking fun. Oh wait... I do know a photographer. Too bad she's in Maryland. Though that's not too far from here. Maybe I can just take pictures with my friends for fun. Though that would require having friends that didn't run away at the thought of being naked in front of someone else. Ah well... something to strive for. Later.
current mood: Free
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, January 8th, 2002
|
|
3:04 am
|
It has been FOREVER since I have written here... I am just compelled to write now. So much has happened since the last time I updated this journal. Lord... I don't know where to begin. I went to rehab for my cocaine addiction. And since I have been back my life is just different.
I'm going to outpatient... I'm active in AA... I don't associate with ANYONE I knew three months ago, with the exception of Karen and my AA sponsor, I have entirely new friends, one of whom I could easily fall in love with... her name is Erin... I have 84 days clean now! That is such a miracle. I am happy to the core... I am so glad I found AA... God is in my life... I'm starting FLCC on the 24th... I cringed when I saw my boobs exposed on the internet in such a sexually exploitive manner... The man I took money from for sex emailed me (For like the 10th time in past three months) today and I finally emailed him back saying I was absolutely NOT into that anymore. I'm not hanging out with the man who wanted me to do an ad for his business, not even talking to my bouncer Tony anymore... and even more surprsing not talking to Jeremey and Erin anymore who only 3 months ago were my entire life and I couldn't imagine living without them... amazing how things change.
And now my life is simple... no more glamor of stripping and whoring and partying and sex and drugs. My life is very simple. I go to AA meetings... I go to my groups... I hang out with people who don't use... I have a beautiful, beautiful woman in my life who I care about deeply, I am able to experience a full range of emotions. When I am happy I smile, when I am sad I cry... and I embrace that today. It's liberating. I haven't had sex in as long as I haven't used drugs... and I am OK with that... sex is about love... and I love myself enough to demand that now... God it's hard though... cause they say no relationships in the first year of sobriety... and now I met this wonderful woman... and all night I just wanted to hold her and kiss her... and I can't... or I don't... and I really want to... but I'm trying to follow year things anyway. I don't know... you wouldn't understand if you weren't in AA.
My journal is going to attract a completley different audiance now. Which is fine with me cause I want EVERY aspect of my life to be different. No more dirty men in my life who only want one thing from me. I love myself and I cringe to think I ever let people treat me the way they did... this way is so much better. Erin respects me in a way no one has ever respected me before and it is so obvious that she cares about me and I hope that she knows how much I care about her, and I hope she knows that I only hold back for the sake of both of our sobriety... and if I had more time in the program I wouldn't have to think twice about being with her.
I don't know... I'm exhausted... I'll try and update soon... night
|
|
(11 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Monday, October 8th, 2001
|
|
6:59 pm - blah blah blah blah blah
|
I am killing time. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Drugs are bad. I am addicted... or that's what they tell me anyway. Heh. Coke is fun... don't try it though... then you'll end up like me... a mess. Heh. LOL. My sponsor thinks I should go to inpatient and then to a halfway house. I don't like that idea. Then I'll never get laid. Fuck that. I have three days clean and sober now with the exception of cigarettes. Sex can be a drug for me... oh yes... don't want to talk about anything... have sex... or cut myself. I did that last night. I don't know why... I thought about it... and just did it. Not too deep. Just to see. Wasn't like the blind rages I used to get into where I'd just go crazy on my arm and then look down and it would be coverd with blood and cut up all over the place. Then Jeremey came home and saw the razor all cut up on my night stand. And asked me why it was cut up... asked me if I had been doing coke... or if the dogs had got a hold of it. Then he asked me if I had cut myself... and I didn't want to tell him... cause I was ashamed. But he wouldn't stop asking... so I showed him... and he said he was sad. I forget they are there... I am so scared up... I don't notice anymore... except that my arm is a little sore today... but not constantly... only when it rubs up against my shirt or something. I don't know. I don't have anything to say really today... and I don't even feel like writing... I'm just killing time.
Blah blah blah.... I have 20 minutes till my appointment with Karen. I will leave in 10... smoke a cigarette and walk down there. I don't plan on going to English or photo today... but I am stuck at school b/c my car is in the shop and my mom is picking me up after yoga. I will go to yoga. I like yoga. I have court tomorrow. I hope my lisence doesn't get revoked. That would suck. Especially cause I am paying that stupid lawyer $1,000. I don't know for what... I have a defense... but I guess they take you more seriously when you have a lawyer, and I suppose he will know the ins and outs of everything. Right. Man... it's only been 3 minutes. Time sure goes by slowly when you waiting to go somewhere. I actually like talking to Karen. I didn't think I would. There's a stigma about going to see a drug counselor. But she's really cool. My mom made me go to the drug counselor when I was 14 when I did acid once. That was so lame... I didn't like him... But Karen's cool... and no one is making me see her... so I guess that makes a difference. Right. Yeah... well anyway... what else can I say for another 5 minutes.
I photographed the dogs last night. They were so good... they just sat there on the bed and let me take pictures. That was pretty cool. For my monochrome assignment. They are tan and white dogs and I laid down tan towels and photographed them on my bed against my off-white wall... so it's all tan and white. I hope they turn out well... I need to get my ass going double time this week... yes I do... and I will... Oh great someone just came in with a shopping cart full of video equipment... so I can't see the clock anymore with out sitting up in my chair. I am so lazy sometimes. Heh. LOL ... well it's almost time... close enough anyway... Check ya lata aligatas!!!!!!!
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, September 18th, 2001
|
|
7:39 pm
|
WARNING
To all women considering stripping
Don't do it... please. I'll tell you... it gets you... it sucks you in... no matter how good your intentions are... no matter how good of a person you are... it WILL suck you in. And you won't even realize it. Stripping is about fantasy. You can create a character for yourself... a new persona...
I created Gia. At first... Amy and Gia were seperate people... Gia was at the club... Amy was me in real life... and then... somehow... without realizing it... I started to become Gia in life. It's hard to separate... and that is when it becomes dangerous. It's a way of life...
If you do it... do it in stages... work for a couple months... get out for a while... go back...
Don't lose yourself... please...
|
|
(6 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Monday, September 10th, 2001
|
|
11:11 pm
|
|
|
|
9:09 pm
|
Fallen Angel
Dust
turns to ashes...
(or so my elders say)
Stop!
I cannot get enough
of my beautiful new
friend.
A new crush...
A new obsession...
An all consuming pressance
What will become of us
What will become of me
Will she kill me?
She says she loves me
and I believe her
"Angels lie"
No...
Not my angel
She is different
Just once more
before we part...
Love me again
Love me now
Love me forever
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Friday, August 31st, 2001
|
|
2:43 am
|
Sometimes when I do table dances and the men have thier hands on thier legs... I'll rub my crotch against thier hand for a second before I move it off their leg and rub their legs. Well today for some reason... EVERYBODY and thier uncle thought it was OK for them to start fingering me and actually rubbing me with their hands... and to put thier fingers up my hole or down my thong. UM... no... it's not OK... but I let them anyway... I just don't care anymore, and it's not worth the fight. But on the bright side... I made mucho dinero tonight! On my way to paying off my debt from St. Martin!
And in other news: One week sober! Not bad. It's been a while since I've been sober for an entire week. So I'm doing good. Gonna have to go to AA in the morning tomorrow since I work 4pm- 2am tomorrow! Sucks. But I better go to sleep so I can get up for the 7am meeting. Night.
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, August 29th, 2001
|
|
1:34 pm
|
OK then... so I'm back from St. Martin. I've been back since Saturday. But didn't want to write. I don't really want to write now either, but I am anyway. St. Martin was fun. Could have been better... could have been worse. Better if I had not been drinking, I think. But I didn't let it ruin my vacation. Really... once something was over I let it go. So everything wouldn't be ruined. There was this one kid I met there, Andrew, he was really cool. Really really quiet and shy. Hardly ever talked even when he was drunk. Complete opposite of his friend who took every oppurtunity to brag about all the places he had been and that his parents paid for it all. It got sickening after a couple minutes... As his silent friend with big curly hair became more and more attractive to me. Sunday night we went to Club Q with Andrew and Nolan, and got plastered. Me and Christina were kissing for free shots. We barely even remember the night... and then we blackedout. Ah yes... Christina went "skinny dipping" American style wearing all her clothes. And then puked in a lawn chair with Nolan rubbing her back. Meanwhile... I fell down a flight of concrete stairs and ran off looking for Christina with Andrew. I don't remember this. This is what I was told. Another funny highlight that I DON'T remember: I was sitting on a lawn chair by my room. And I was like ' I have to pee" And I just started peeing in the lawn chair. I don't remember this... Andrew told me the next day. Yeah... and then I called Marlies 8 times at like 4 in the morning or something... I really have no clue what time it was... and I don't even remember calling her. I only knew I called her the next morning cause my address book was lying next to the phone with the page opened to her number... and then my phone bill had 8 calls to her on it. Yeah... so uh... I tried to call her the next day to apologize and she answered the phone and then acted like she wasn't there. But I know it was her. And then yesterday I saw her on AIM... and I sent her an IM to apologize and she completely ignored me. I kept sending her messages for an hour and a half... and she ignored EVERY single one. Hm. I must've said something really really really terrible. I don't know. Well obviously she's pissed. I don't know what to do. I don't want to call her again... I'll just feel really really stupid. And I wouldn't know what to say. Ha. So... uh... yeah... I guess she'll just be mad at me for the rest of my life. And if there is nothing I can do about it... well then...
So anyway... back to St. Martin. Activities we did: Horseback riding and swimming with the horse, parasailing, waverunner, nude beach, and snorkling. Swimming everyday. Drinking in the underwater bar. That was cool.
Heineken's were dirt cheat... 1.50 for one at a bar. It was really cool. Got drunk at Greenhouse two days after the night we blacked out. Andrew was my husband and we easily warded off all the nasty people who were trying to hit on me. Then he told me he had a girlfriend. Hahahahahaha. We still kissed. Got back to the hotel and were hungry. Went to the Casino and bought a ham sandwich from some lady who worked there. It was gross. Stopped by the ladies room on the way and bought a hot fudge condom. Ewww... yes... it smelled and tasted like hot fudge. It was pretty gross. And it left a pink stain on my fingers. Well... you know what people do with condoms... so... uh... yeah...
Then Nolan was pissed cause Christina wouldn't have sex with him. And Christina laughed at him cause she felt his "junk" and it was the size of a pinky she says. And it really was junk! Ha. We made them spend the night with us. Andrew stayed in the bedroom with me... and Christina and Nolan slept on the pullout couch in the living room. Andrew was such a little kid the way he kept begging Nolan go. I don't know... you'd have to see him to appreciate it. Well, they left at 7am, and we slept in. Only to wake up to find there was a hurricane outside... so we went to Front street and shopped all day.
And got drunk again at night. Met Andrew at Q. Three person kisses with me, him and Christina. Me and Andrew left... yeah... you know... Then came back to get Christina... went skinny dipping. Uh... yeah... and I went ballistic on Andrew for no reason. Hit him yelled at him... threw my camera at him. Refused to let him get his clothes out of my apartment. It was horrible. I was so mean... and this kid had been so so so so so so so so so so so nice to me the whole trip. Yeah. Ran naked through the lobby and called Rob. I don't know why. Yelled at the phone for 45 minutes to a groggy and asleep Rob. I am so mean. No wonder people hate me so much. Then I called Andrew to apologize. Nolan's dad was mad that I called so early in the morning. Ha.
Didn't drink the next night. Andrew felt guilty about his girlfriend. Can't blame the kid... but he still turned me on so much. Ah. Following drunk people around all night when you are sober and just want to go to sleep sucks. Went to the strip club. This was actually the second time we had been there. Got another lap dance from Yolanda... she licked my boobs. Dropped a lot of cash. Not my cash. Some drunk kid's cash... don't remember his name... but I have a picture.
Yeah... Last night there we went to this kick ass french restaurant. The desert was amazing! Yeah... we got drunk. Met up with Andrew. I tried to get him drunk... but he wasn't in the mood to party. Prolly cause he hates me now. Picky swore he'd email me... I have no emails. I told him I want to add him to my list of people I would apologize to when I got to that step in AA. He said I already did... but he deserves a better one. I don't know. Maybe he'll email me. Maybe not. I guess it really doesn't matter.
My hair is in braids now. I want to take them out. Dennis is calling me to work. I don't want to work. I've had it with stripping. I can't stand it. In fact I hate it, and dread having to work. Ha. Especially with all these scabs from falling down the stairs and stuff. Well... whatever. I think I'm gonna go now.
But first: Rob- I'm really sorry I called you so late and all drunk... and for anything I may have said that offended you in anyway. So please don't be mad at me. Mark, Kyle, and Paul: Sorry to wake you up when I tried to call Rob. Mark: Sorry to call you AGAIN... I didn't mean any harm and I"m really sorry.
Mariles: I really really am sorry for anything I may have done and said to you. I was wrong... and I wish you would forgive me... or at least talk to me... and acknowldge that I apologized to you... even if you don't accept it. And I guess there really isn't much else I can do if you won't even talk to me.
OK... that's all folks
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Saturday, August 18th, 2001
|
|
6:20 am
|
|
|
|
3:48 am
|
|
yesterday was a struggle... didn't sleep at all at night. Was up all day... only had a three hour nap this afternoon. Worked... went to East End fest... Denied entry at Woody's... Went to Denny's... now I gotta pack... and stay up all night to drive to Toronto at 7am. I think I'm gonna take an hour nap as soon as I change my laundry. But I'll be up all day tomorrow... sleep on the plane, maybe. Hope it's a decent size plane and not some dinky little thing. Well that sounds like a plan. An hour nap so I don't kill myself tomorrow... lord...and Christina is staying up all night too... she is driving... oiy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Friday, August 17th, 2001
|
|
8:40 am - My philosophy of Life
|
|
|
|
4:03 am - I just need to vent
|
Ok... so I wasn't going to post right now... but I just have to vent... again.
Today at work... Amy, the bartender... who has had some major problems with me in the past... which I thought had been resolved after I talked to Dennis and he talked to her... and we were beginning to get along. Well, I'm on stage during final caberet for the 4-9 shift cause I came in at 6:30 cause Jenna Rose didn't show up again... and she yells at me from the bar to cover my tits.
Gia she yells. Twice. And glares at me. OK... yeah... if I can hear her, the customers can hear her... and this is exactly what Dennis had talked to her about before. It is not her job to police me. If I am doing something wrong... she is supposed to tell Dennis... and he will yell at me... in private... where the customer cannot hear him. You know. It's respectful. Well, she had stopped for about two months. Cool. Until today. So I was a bit pissed off... finished two caberets cause I was working till 2... and went into dressing room... and vented... just a little... said..."better tell Amy to take the adidote to those bitch pills she's been taking" and that was it. Really... two minutes later I had forgotten about the whole thing. I go back out on the floor... am talking to a customer who bought two dances with me. You know... whatever... chillin'. Amy walks up... thought she was just on her way out the door... "Goodnight" I say. "You know," she says "I didn't take a bitch pill, I took a cunt pill." OK... I'm pissed off again... but I will not let myself get out of hand on the floor in front of a paying customer... so she proceeds to yell at me for not covering my tits... oh let me tell you... it took all my energy not to yell and scream and make a scene... I calmly try to explain to her that Dennis had just talked to us about the liquor board being in town and we needed to be extra careful. And while I'm not supposed to have direct knowledge of the fact that Dennis is being more lienent and not enforcing the six foot law... I do... cause Dennis has been telling me about his plan to stop enforcing it since I first set foot into the place. So I know that he is allowing us to cheat a little. And I know this... and it's not like Dennis doesn't know what is going on... I mean, come on, it's his bar... give the man some credit. If he is not on the floor watching the dancers... he is in back, watching us on camera... he knows what's going on. I know this... apparently she doesn't . Well I'm trying to explain myself to her... knowing full well that Dennis had already talked to her about not yelling at me anymore... cause it is not her job... it's his. And she doesn't even want to hear what I have to say. So thank god... her husband came in or was on the phone or something... and the bouncer came and got her. So I'm pissed off that this bitch is still bugging me after all that with Dennis. So before I start crying... I leave the customer I am with and go back into the dressing room. Where I find Thea about to pass out from taking anti-depressants with alcohol... Tony trying to tell her NOT to do that anymore... and Asia changing her outfit. I'm trying not to cry and trying not to get mad... and then Tony comes over and sees me about to cry and makes some smart ass comment about having something in my eye. Which just did it for me... I was full blown pissed off. Let it all out... I'm gonna quit... I can't stand this place or these people... Amy is a bitch... Bitch... Bitch... BITCH... And Tony's trying to calm me down and keep me from walking out. Tells Dennis. Dennis comes in the dressing room. I tell Dennis. Dennis goes and talks to her. Informs her that she doesn't know what is going on. She didn't know he was going to stop enforcing the six foot rule... she didn't know that he was letting some girls cheat... she didn't even know about the liquor board ticketing foxy's last night. She didn't know that Dennis had already talked to us in the dressing room. Which was exactly Dennis's point... that she doesn't know what is going on and to let Dennis run his bar. He even told her that if she did it again, she would get a weeks "vacation". So... OK... I won... again. Then a couple hours later he bought me three shots of crown. And it was all better. Told me he'd take me to Vegas cause he knows I like to travel. Hugged me... came into the dressing room and kissed me. I think he was just drunk.
Ok... yeah... I wish I had the energy to make that into a really cool short story... but I don't. Maybe some other time. For now... I just needed to vent. Get it all out once and for all. Yeah... so I have a fucking pig coming to my house in 2 1/2 hours. Dude... if that bitch isn't at my house right at seven... I'm leaving her a note and going back to sleep. Loser. I hate cops. And you know I'm not going to fall asleep for another hour. And that's an hour after I actually get in bed.
Well... the good new anyway is that I got my perscription for celexa and hopefully I pray I will at least be able to function normally again... even if these morons at family services take forever to get me a counselor. Well... goodnight.
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, August 16th, 2001
|
|
4:40 pm
|
|
what the hell am i gonna do. erg. you know i'm gonna drive. and get arrested. heh.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
12:45 pm - Stuck
|
How do you say "stuck" in seven different languages?
I feel stuck. Hey wait... I *am* stuck. I hate my job. I don't care about being close to naked in front of hundreds of strangers. That part doesn't bother me. But I hate being forced to talk to people all the time and to entertain these drunken idiots. I never look foward to going to work anymore. Even the money doesn't excite me. In fact... I dread going to work everytime I have to work. Ugh. But I can't quit now. And I was seriously considering taking at least three months off when school started. But now I can't.
My lisence was suspended... unpaid traffic tickets. Erg. So now I have to pay those. That's a few hundred dollars down the drain. Then I'll have to pay the fine to the DMV to get my lisence back. Oh yeah... and then... we ar being dropped by our insurance because of that... but we can get reinstated when I get my lisence back. But oh yeah... my mother isn't going to pay my insurance anymore. I have to. Which means... single car... single driver is going to be a hell of a lot more expensive than it has been. I don't know where my mom thinks I'm going to come up with $2000 by September 26. Even stripping... if I worked 6 shifts a week until then... I couldn't do it. And when school starts I'll only be able to work 3 shifts max. And two would be preferable. So as of September 26... I will not only be driving without a license... but I will also be driving without insurance. Which means I absolutely cannot get pulled over or in an accident or anything like that. I'll have to be a model driver... or else I'll go to jail. Oh goodly. Unless I can find some rich customer who wants to give $2000. But I don't see that happening EVER. So basically I'm screwed up the ass. And stuck in my job until I get this paid. Even if I can get monthy payments... if I worked a "regular" job... I wouldn't be able afford my car payments and insurance. OK... let's figure I get job making $8/hour like at Mario's.
ah fuck this shit. fuck all of these motherfuckers... thinking they can come to my house at 7am. Oh great... and how the fuck am I going to get to work tonight... and who the hell is going to give me a ride home at 2am. Erg. Fuck. Shit. Damn. Ok... I'm posting now before I get any more pissed off.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
|
12:34 am
|
hm... I called in to work today after I threw up my lunch. That wasn't fun. It's OK though. I feel better now though... thank god.
You know what really pisses me off. When my car was broken into and I called 911... they told me they wouldn't handle it and I had to call 311 (non-emergency) which isn't available in my area so I had to dial some other number. And they did absolutely nothing... just took a report over the phone and mailed it to me. A lot of good that did. Heh. Well today... I'm sleeping... and my buzzer rings. Guess who it is... the cops. My best friends... NOT. Well he is having a fit about the car I hit last night... which let me tell you, even he said there was barely any damage... just a fucking scratch to the other car. Well he tracked me down just to be an asshole... found out where I lived... actually made some fucking effort. Cops are stupid. The only thing they ever deal with are fucking traffic violations... god forbid they come out and try to find the person who broke into my car. Jesus. I was pissed. Whatever. I stopped caring about my car after it was broken into. This is a fucking big parking lot and a lot of people live here... shit happens... I have scratches all over my car. I'm not gonna call the cops... that is petty. Whatever. I'm not gonna get my car fixed. I'm tired of spending money on it. I suppose I'll have to fix it eventually... they'll prolly make me when I get it inspected anyway. But I don't have to do that until next June. So hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Heh. Whatever dude... don't have a cow man. Ah... I dunno. Give me life. Give me pain. Give me myself again. Please. Maybe I should start writing poetry again. That was fun. Or prose. I could write a novel. What would it be about. A girl.
I need a boyfriend. No... I want a boyfriend... I need sex. Hard sex that makes me scream. DJ Tony has decided he is too old for me. In a way I am relieved... but at the same time... if I just wanna be fucked... he might be OK... Whatever. I don't know. Regular sex would be so nice. As in every day. Or at least 6 times a week. I don't think I would ever get sick of it. As long as it was good... and I at least liked the person I was with. Ah. Whatever. "you're so easy to love", she said, "I wonder what the snag is." I wonder too. She never loved me. I broke up with my girlfriend for her. She wouldn't break up with her boyfriend. I wanted to love her. I wanted so much to love her. But she wouldn't let me. Hm. She has a boyfriend now. Who she is very much in love with. It's OK... I still think about her... and care about her... even though I never see her or talk to her anymore. It's OK. Someone, somewhere will love me, and I'll love them like they have never been loved before. I am a lover. heh. I don't know. It will be OK. Good things come to those whow wait? I hope so. I don't hear no very well. I can be determined to get what I want. Well you know... within reason. Heh.
Yeah... so um... I guess that's it for now. I'm watching Star Trek. I always watch Star Trek. Then I will go to sleep. Hm. OK... I'm gonna watch Star Trek now... Goodnight.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, August 15th, 2001
|
|
1:50 pm
|
ugh... I am hungover. I had absolutely no business driving last night. But I did. Thank god I didn't get pulled over. Not only would I have gone to jail for drunk driving... but I also have 3 unpaid tickets and my license is expired. Shit. I'd have been fucked. But I didn't get pulled over.
I was thrown out of the half dollar because I wanted to go in alone... without an escort. They can kiss my ass. That is not a law. So I went to Friday's and picked up some guy and had him escort me in... then he left. That is so dumb. Discrimination I'd say. I'd have grounds to sue. ha. LOL. See... I'm gonna buy beer... I'm gonna tip your girls... I'm not gonna cause trouble... I'm not gonna try and hit on them or whatever. Ya know... it's such bullshit. Well whatever... They let me into the strip clubs in London... and I was alone then... once at least. It's just more money out of their pockets. Whatever. Paul was there when I finally got in. He was alone. So I sat with him... and spent the evening with him. He followed me home to make sure I got there OK... that was nice. Then he emailed me this morning. Remind me to stay on your good side, he says. Ha. Yeah... so I was pretty pissed about that fucking bouncer.
Yeah... so then I called Rob. It was pretty lucky for me that he was up and answered the phone. And he didn't have to work. Ha. Coors light tastes like water. Angelina Jolie is hot. So I went over there. Yeah... I invited myself over. Heh. Whatever. I just can't stay away from this beautiful beauful boy. I don't know why I drove. That was bad. I was drunk. I was lucky nothing happened. mhm. Yeah... so now I have to think of something to do today. I don't really want to do anything. I want to sleep off my hangover. Dude... I drank way too much last night. Well I didn't black out... so I guess it wasn't too much. I really only blackout from liquor anyway. And I was drinking beer. With the exception of one shot of crown at Friday's. Arg. I hit a parked car. Shit... I didn't want to admit that . My phone is broken too. That happened sometime after Hooters and before I called Rob. Cause it was broken when I called him. Now I'll have to get a new phone. I'm a loser. Maybe I'll go to the mall before I take a shower. Cause I want to go... but I DON'T want to take a shower just yet. I'll wait to my hang over subsides a bit. Anyway. I'm gonna do something semi-productive now. So... I'll check ya later aligator. Heh. bye.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, August 14th, 2001
|
|
9:36 pm
|
|
OK... those really huge pictures I posted on the 13th... are Tony on top and Justin on the bottom. They are the assholes who raped me. So if you see either one of them feel free to kick their asses.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
3:18 pm
|
|
I don't understand why my images won't display. This is pissing me off
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Monday, August 13th, 2001
|
|
11:37 pm
|
|
ah fuck. LJ is down. fuckers. I just wanted to make sure that link was right before I continued my entry. Well hell it already took me an hour just to get those pictures online... so hell... I guess another couple of days won't make a fucking difference. erg.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
11:37 pm - Seven
|
I've been raped seven times. Seven. I've never thought about it like that before. I had never put a number to it. I can't describe it. I can't explain it. I should try. I know I should try. It will only be better if I try. I just don't have the energy. I can't say that I am the way I am because this happened when I was 14. Or this happened when I was 18. Or *this* happened when I was 19. It's not like that. Maybe I've just been so good at repressing everything my whole life that I can't even recognize why I feel like this and what to do about it. I know I'm good at that. I have done it all my life. Just suck it up and do it. That was my mom's attitude. Don't argue... don't fight... jsut do it. I was a fighter. I was loud and didn't take shit from anyone. If I didn't like it... you heard about it. And I wouldn't stop until something was done... and the situation was changed. Then my mom got married to this asshole, Paul... and he was my match. Molested his biological daughter. Hit me. When I was 13, I used to wish he would rape me, cause I thought that would be bad enough that my mom would divorce him. Nothing was bad enough. Until I was weak... and I just gave up... and stopped fighting. My needs aren't important anyway... and it's ends up being easier for me if I just comply.
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
tantra's journal